Met Office forecast

S.Wales
Priddy
Ingleton
Castleton

Aberystwyth Caving Club Constitution

  1. There shall be no editing or censoring of the Log Book.
  2. The principal hierarchy shall apply at all times:
    1. Official Mad Dead People 1
    2. Club Goddess
    3. Master of the Lore 2
    4. Ex-Presidents
    5. President
    6. Secretary
    7. Treasurer
    8. Life Members (in order of seniority)
    9. Social Fascist
    10. Tackle Wanker
    11. Minister Without Portfolio
    12. Chauffeur
    13. Thrutch/Eugene/Oh Henry! Editor
    14. Webmaster
    15. Official Club Welshman 3
    16. Official Club Yorkshireman 4
    17. Others (Freshers, etc.)
    18. Switzerland Trip Organiser
    19. Club Gimp
    20. Non-Members
    21. Freeloaders, Fellow Travellers, and Hitchhikers
    23. Vegetarians
    24. Christians
    25. Americans
    26. Club Boring Member
    27. Club Waste of Space
  3. The code of conduct whilst speaking to Members of the Committee (see clause 2 positions 4, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14) will be as follows:
    1. To all but the President, must be answered courteously and ending with “Sergeant Major”
    2. To the President, as 1, but ending with “Sir”
    3. To Life Members, as 1, but ending with “Oh wise one”
  4. The meeting place of the Club shall be “The Fountain”, on a Wednesday night at Nine O’ Clock.
  5. The constitution may only occupy four pages of the current Log Book.
  6. There is NO rule number six.
  7. There will be at least one official Caving Club Dinner each term, being the Christmas meal, President’s Meal and AGM dinner, plus the Nick anniversary meal to be held as close to May 17th as is humanly possible.
  8. There may be any number of unofficial Caving Club Dinners each term.
  9. An annual masturbation contest will be encouraged to be held during the summer expedition. The winner of this will be declared “Masturbator of all things Caving”.
  10. New Members will be encouraged to learn the seven parts of the button, and in their second year in the Club will be let into the secrets of the eighth part. (See ACC logbook, Volume the Fifth, Button Appendix, cf. Old Nobb’s Button Taxonomy.)
  11. The Switzerland trip shall be cancelled at every AGM.
  12. Life Membership will be conferred on all Members who have completed a degree course at Aberystwyth University and may be awarded to those persons who have given long service to the ACC, or who have been elected by a simple majority in the case of purely Welsh Members, or by a two-thirds majority in the case of English Members.
  13. There will be no thirteenth clause on account of its superstitious nature.
  14. The Annual General Meeting will be held on St. Dunstan’s Day, 19th of May, at which the Buckland Hymn will be sung to the tune of “Onward Christian Soldiers”:

    Lord Buckland is my Leader,
    Friend of everyone,
    Peacock of the Universe,
    Ruler of the Sun.

  15. The proceeding ritual following the Buckland Hymn (that is, succeeding the hymn, not preceding) must proceed and follows as follows:
    • The ritual is chaired by the highest ranking officer present excluding the Club Goddess and Official mad, dead persons, who (although omnipotent, omnipresent and omnicognisant) are to oversee the event without comment, unless they feel it to be absolutely necessary to exercise divine intervention.
    • The chair is to be referred to as “Lord Protector Most High” for the duration of the meeting, and shall in turn refer to the other Members as “My Children”.
    • The meeting opens with a speech by LPMH (garbed in purple), summing up the year’s achievements in no more than twelve words.
    • The Children, after a good meal, drinking sweet wine, and crunching imported chickpeas, reply:

      Children—Of what country are you, and how old are you, good sir?
      LPMH— Bacchus am I, of Thrace. Give Honour to me.
      Children— Praise be to the Great Drunken Bull!

    • Now the nominations begin for the Positions of Grace, starting with the Club Goddess. and continuing sequentially. Each station is separately nominated, voted upon and affirmed by ritual. The following rules apply to this process:
      • The outgoing Club Goddess has the casting vote, and the power to utterly refuse to grant a position to a nominee – if she buys a round.
      • If there are no current female Members, candidates may be proposed for the position of Club Goddess who are particularly effeminate male Members or females who are not Members of the Club.
      • If any (female) candidate for the position of Club Goddess chooses to get her tits out, this form of campaign advertising shall be looked on favourably as showing proper support for the Club.
      • Multiple voting, negative voting, and bribery by alcohol shall be allowed only at the discretion (drunkenness) of the LPMH.
      • The right of inanimate objects to stand for election shall not be restricted, but if it is found upon sobering up that one has been elected to an important post, nominations may be reopened.
    • The ritual of acceptance to the High Order of Bacchae:
      • The acceptor assumes the temporary title of Respectable Matron, and is stood upon a chair, or similar podium. Held in the right hand are the Sacred Golden Underpants of Oedipus, and in the left a pint (or half for those of slight build) of Guinness, to be downed on completion of the ritual. LPMH approaches RM, and recites the following psalm:

        With thy win cup waving high,
        With thy maddening revelry,
        To Enion’s flowery vale,
        Comest Thou, Bacchus,
        And bless this Holy Matron. Hail!

      • To which the Children reply, “Bollocks! Get on with it, twat!”
  16. The People’s Committee shall henceforth be regarded officially as an illegal and deplorable elitist group worthy of nothing but scorn. 5
  17. On the drawing of genitals – men may only draw those of men, women those of women.
  18. The Log Book must be taken on every trip.
  19. There shall be a “Terminal Velocity Group”, Membership to be awarded at the discretion of existing Members.
  20. There shall be no copying of the Log Book. 6
  21. At the utterance of the word “Rosa”, the assembled Members pay homage to the Sun God “Ra”, blessing the daylight and all its bounty. (Those who have visited the aforementioned hole shall do so with a haunted look in their eyes.)
  22. All Caving Club couples must adhere to the Glenda and Jammerz’s relationship tips in Volume One of the 1999/2000 edition of the Log Book (the yellow one). It is also to be noted that there is to be no friskiness on caving trips.
  23. Any Member that is evicted through the actions of ACC shall be bought a limited number of drinks7.
  24. There is to be no tearing, burning, stabbing, or sexual abuse of the Log Book. Blank pages only may be eaten in extremis.
  25. New Members shall be encouraged to learn the rules to the official Club drinking game, “Zoom-Schwartz-Vigliano-Snort-Mugabe-Banana”. There will be a test after one year.
  26. Use of repetitious punctuation marks are banned from the log book and any correspondence within the club.
  27. When waiting for cave rescue, the ‘Alphabet Song’ will be sung ad infinitum.

We shall abide by this constitution, and sign for all Members. This constitution is considered inviolate for all time.

Notes

  1. Nick Burcham & Anna Lightfoot.
  2. Defined as the longest serving Member living in Ceredigion, and attendant at The Fountain at least one week in two.
  3. This post is ideally filled by an actual Welshman (or woman), but anyone who is prepared to constantly extol the virtues of Wales and all things related would suffice.
  4. This post is ideally filled by an actual Yorkshireman (or woman), but anyone who is prepared to constantly extol the virtues of Yorkshire and all things related would suffice.
  5. See special file, available to committee members only. File name “Geheinestaatzpolizei” 1983.IX.18.VW
  6. Except under supervision of the committee.
  7. For one social only.

Last updated: July 2009